It used to be, you’d open your mouth
And the weather changed. You’d
Open your mouth and the sky’d spill
That dry, missing-someone kind of rain
No matter the season. And it hurt
Like a guitar hurts under the right hands.
Like a good strong spell. Now
You’re all song. Body gone to memory.
And guess what? It hurts
Summer, your lips,
The curve of a smile that makes me shiver,
So I haven’t needed the cold in months.
Summer, your hips,
The indents of fingertips and promises.
Promises hidden and stolen and torn.
There are things in the wind,
Dancing outside my window, my dear,
Did you do that?
Is that what you call beautiful?
Is that what you mean when you call me
Summer, your wrists,
Black and blue and soft, soft pink,
And all I’m thinking of is bones and winter.
Take it back, goddamn, take it all back.
Summer, your smell,
The sound and taste of it pressed into my pillowcase.
Am I tired? Maybe I am.
I don’t know what this is called. They didn’t teach it to me in school. My hands hurt, is it supposed to be like this? Craned necks, slouched backs, darkened circles: hairline cracks. I wake up at 7AM every morning for this. He asked me what I meant when I said that it was all over, and I told him I don’t know what it’s called. Over, over, my God, is it really just beginning?
This is the end of an era. This is the start of a new chapter. I don’t know what it’s called but so much is over and I am so, so hungry. I walk through the hallways hoping to find the words that I made when everything was new, three and a half years ago. I think I could use them now. But all I see is the end of an era, the start of a new chapter, and I am famished, holy fuck, it wasn’t supposed to be like this at all, was it?
They keep telling me to keep in touch and call and text and well, we can always come back home on the weekends, right? They don’t know what it’s called, either. I know that everyone does it but I don’t think I’m doing it well enough. No, these were not the best years of my life but they feel right even when they’re wrong. Maybe it’s too late for nostalgia; I don’t care. Goddammit I miss it all.
I keep saying this is the end of an era, but I think I mean lifetime. Say chapter, say commencement, say new beginnings, say leaving the nest. Say whatever you like; euphemisms won’t feed this aching fear. Say graduation. That’s what it’s called anyway, isn’t it?